Radicalized
How a Seattle kid became a National Socialist essayist in pre-collapse America.
To start, this post was inspired by Hexenkarthothek’s post of the same title. Give his a read!
Childhood
I was born and raised in the greater Seattle region. My family was relatively well-to-do, and enrolled me in a Montessori pre-school where I was in an essentially all-White (with some Han Asian) school that intended to turn every kid admitted into the next genius superstar. At 4 years of age, I was playing with chess pieces, listening to teachers reading books meant for late-elementary schoolers, learning how to draw specific shapes, and even learning a tad bit of math. I don’t remember too much from this period other than one time I pretended to be one of my friend at the time by swapping shirts with him in the bathroom and introducing myself as him to the teachers, then sprinting back to swap shirts again and asking if they’d seen that guy anywhere (barely containing my laughter). This antic occurred when I was around 6, my last year at that school if I remember correctly.
The school was full of very polite and reserved children, the study room was generally quiet as we had free and open access to the recess hall, an open-roof atrium filled with beauty bark and a wooden play structure. This free and open access to the outdoors should be mandatory for Elementary school and below, btw. It set a clear boundary between where it is acceptable to play and be rowdy, and where it is more apt to be quiet and polite. Additionally, being able to go outside whenever we wanted to blow off steam allowed kids with excess energy to exhaust themselves before returning back to the rest of the group and resume learning as normal.
All this to say, my extremely formative years, the years where I learned how to write, draw, speak, sing, run, play, hide, and such - was all done in what was effectively the ethnic makeup of 1980s Washington.
Meeting the Masses
I was thrust into the Public education system, woefully unprepared, at around the tail end of 6 years old. Children were loud, impolite, regressed in terms of communication, full of energy, and worst of all - shackled inside, forced by the nanny state to go to naptime. Still, the location where I was at this time was still >90% White, and we all got along well. The stress was taken off education, and more towards indoor play (which I think was a huge mistake compared to the Montessori). I feel like the Kindergarten year actually set me back developmentally and education-wise, as I was already tackling addition and subtraction into the double digits near the end of my Montessori years. Whatever, doesn’t really matter. In my third grade year, my family moved. I was yanked away from my budding friendships, a group of people that are still close with each other to this day, just now minus myself.
This new school was significantly browner, significantly louder, significantly less polite, and significantly more inside. This school was closer to the innards of the city, and as such, there was a lot less space to play (though a woodsy shaded yard did exist). The Physical Education drop from the different school districts also hurt - I had a dedicated PE hour in addition to a recess hour every day at my previous school, and this new school only had 30 minutes of outside recess total, with a single hour of indoor gym PE on Fridays. If anything, I attribute this new district’s lack of emphasis on PE for me having a BMI of about 18 until after I graduated HS and could feed and exercise myself more reliably.
My parents also forbade me from walking home, forcing me to attend more nanny-state after-school-care where I would spend upwards of two hours sitting in a room, not being allowed to go outside, until they would eventually free me after they got off work and drive the 1000 feet or less that it took to get home.
Instead of walking home with most of my peers, instead of going out to the park to play outside and meet others outside my grade level, I was to sit indoors with a few blocks and books and bide my time. This made me an incredibly reserved child, if you couldn’t already guess. The other children’s loudness and impoliteness quickly became irritating to me, and my lack of socialization with them kept me relatively isolated to my Montessori-mindset. I believe around this time I started to develop a slight neuroticism that has travelled with me throughout my life.
My pattern recognition was going into overdrive around this time, as I was basically playing the part of the outside observer — one who was thrust into a zoo and rationed just 30 minutes a day to freely interact with the other students without being shushed by an agent of the nanny-state. I quickly identified a trait in common among the loudest, rowdiest bunch — black skin, black hair, black eyes. The darker the ruder, without fail. At this time, I hadn’t really been educated on what ‘race’ or ‘racism’ was, and my parents were very much not racists, so I came to this conclusion entirely on my own, without influence or learning such opinions to be taboo. I remember being taught to sing slave songs in the third or fourth grade, and seeing the dark men and women on a screen while being forced to sing songs I found to be shallow, loud, and annoying, quickly cemented my opinions on this subject. We had some black speaker come up at some point during my time in this school for an assembly and have us sing ‘this land is our land’ while holding hands or some gay shit, and I remember being extremely bored and actively becoming hostile in thought towards these loud impolite people who forced me to do these lame humiliating motions. I remember genuinely feeling embarrassed to be performing such a song in front of my family, with my head hung low and my voice quiet (of which my parents kindly decided to record and immortalize this shameful humiliation ritual). I also remember one time, where our thirty-something black principal came to our class for a thanksgiving program or something and had us write out what we were thankful for. Around this time my Grandpa had recently died, and she mentioned how thankful she was for her Grandpa. I remember tears stinging my eyes as I silently cursed the world for letting such a woman have a Grandpa while mine was stolen from me.
I tested into the PRISM program in my 5th grade year, and quickly returned to an environment filled with the same quiet, polite peers that I had grown to yearn for. These were my people, and I was glad to be back with them — however, almost all of these kids were already friends with each other from as far back as kindergarten, while I was a complete outsider. I made friends, but these types of friendships were a lot more shallow than the friendships already cultured for nearly 60% of their entire lives at this point. And still, I was chained inside while I got to watch them all go home ensemble.
Enter iFunny
Middle School was worse, I think. This ‘outsider’ status followed me throughout these years, and the school I moved to was well over 60% Asian, of which were almost exclusively stocking the Gifted Program. I was one of THREE white males in that entire program, and that painted me as the odd one out by far. One of the other white guys was gay and the remaining one was a total creep who ended up being accused of sexually assaulting his girlfriend in high school btw. Normally I side with the guy when I hear of an accusation without conviction but for him specifically I believe it 100%. He now wears an incredibly short (< 1/4 inch) buzz cut and patchy neckbeard combo too, #revolting!
However, because I was a minority among Asians and not Blacks or Hispanics, I was relatively spared from harassment and bullying (instead facing mere soft exclusion). I was able to make friends, and good ones at that, and fit in pretty well amongst the quiet and nerdy crowd. We had a 50 minute inside/outside lunch+recess period with only one semester of required PE (out of 3 years), which was again less than my first elementary by far. We were issued 1:1 take-home laptops, which turned me into somewhat of an underground gamer as the system was unable to block programs running off a flash drive — I 100%ed TBoI WoTL, btw.
Around the 6th grade I was introduced to iFunny as a friend on the bus was scrolling memes on his iPhone 4, truly amazing stuff. I begged and begged for my family to get me a smartphone, but to no avail. However, the school system did issue 1:1 laptops (despite many a laptop being stolen/destroyed) and I was able to use the web version of iFunny for a long time before it finally got blocked by the school admins. I loved every second I spent on that app, and it was primarily stocked with kids my age, which gave me much needed socialization in that period. When I wasn’t on iFunny proper, I was browsing google images after searching ‘memes’ — iFunny was one and the same with the concept of the meme, at the time.
Eventually though, I started to see a fair bit of political posts cropping up in time for the 2016 election. At that time I had become quite a bit of an edgy contrarian who cursed the world and all of its woes thrusted upon me. I was particularly ‘vulnerable’ to ideas of White Nationalism as I already held Blacks in disdain — but I was also an extreme minority in what should have been ‘my’ country. Instead of rejecting racism and demanding my inclusion as one might expect of a brown minority/foreigner, I embraced racism and hierarchy, and cursed society for having artificially suppressing me from reaching my proper place on the top of the pyramid. I would have become an Atheist at this time if my family weren’t already Atheists, at which I took the contrarian position of becoming ‘Christian’ in the sense that I used it’s aesthetics and justifications of Homophobia and Racism to remain healthily contrarian to my atheist homosexual antiracist peers. This contrarian ‘rage against the world’ was probably a result of my puberty’s concoction of hormones and such wildly swinging my mood from angry to depressed to euphoric and back again. There were weeks where I seriously considered suicide (drawing up plans, writing notes, and securing materials like rope or helium (LOL)) over trivial things like missing a single homework assignment, for example. I was a very troubled kid indeed!
This edginess did not go unnoticed by my family. I think it was around the 6th or 7th grade when I had this first clash of worldviews with my parents (it was probably around the 2016 election, or like pizzagate or something), with me getting emotional and breaking down crying when my parents inevitably failed to see that White Replacement was real and that the Gays weren’t sticking with their promise of only wanting to get married and nothing more. I was immediately grounded and forcibly unplugged from the internet while at home, with more controls, curfews, and protocols soon to follow. I believe they also reached out to my school and had me labeled as some sort of problem kid as teachers became especially sure to highlight the importance of Social Justice and such to me at any opportunity. Like to the point where they would ask me what I thought about the plight of some vulnerable minority or whoever was the topic of that day’s lesson to ensure I ‘got the right message’ (this is where I learned to liblarp, and liblarp hard).
While my parents’ concern was justifiable when looking back at what exactly I was posting and saying at this time (assuming they were acting out of concern and not fear/hate), their increasingly overbearing and harsh reactions to any of my ‘cries for help’ served only to distance me from my parents both politically, socially, emotionally, and more. I had childish outbursts which were met with the anger and hostility of two fully grown adults as if they were arguing/fighting not their own son but a strange adult. As such their ‘punishments’ became increasingly draconian (abandoning me to 3 hours of daily ‘tutorial’ (paying a teacher to supervise me) from age 12 to 14, only stopping with Covid; having me turn in my school provided laptop to them once I got home; hiding the remotes to the television (tuned permanently to NPR, CNN, or MSNBC btw); and refusing to drive me anywhere or pay for anything I needed (again, long before I was even legally allowed to work or drive)). I was literally trapped in an ivory tower throughout Middle School and any outburst I held against that was retaliated as if I had slighted them personally (I guess, because it kind of was). I had been treated like a prisoner within my own home for years. I would go from home to school back to home again and could do nothing else. 7am till 5pm was my State Supervision and 5pm till 7am was my Parental Supervision. Weekends I would spend at home unless my parents were willing to supervise a camping trip outside. They enrolled me in therapy in addition to ‘tutorial’, where a liberal white woman would reassure me that no, nothing is amiss, there is nobody coming for you, that all I need to do is just empathize with others and really we’re all the same inside (Have you tried SSRIs and just letting people enjoy things?).
Only after I’ve put the prior two paragraphs into words I am realizing why I might have been so depressed during this time. And judging off their reaction you would assume I was a borderline-schizophrenic or a criminal who got into fights or something but no - besides some arguments I had with my parents over politics and media I was an incredibly well-mannered polite kid who teachers would praise in report cards for said manners. Throughout middle school I struggled with motivation to do homework and such (I wonder why?) but otherwise I tested very well and while in-class I did everything great - to the extent where I would have >90% in tests and in-class work and <40% in homework, driving my average grades for this time down to like mostly Cs and some Bs with a 1350 PSAT (max is 1370). I never got into any fights and had a squeaky clean record with perfect attendance. My parents forced me to volunteer quite often, at least once a month. This experience was obviously intended to ‘correct’ my opinions about homeless/vulnerable minorities but really only served to cement and give legitimacy to the stereotypes I already held. Once a tweaking black man drew a knife on us in the parking lot, said something like ‘fucking crackas think they so slick’, and that interaction put a swift end to volunteering.
I should also mention that during this time my dearest Mother was on a Keto diet and had enforced this throughout our entire household so she ‘wouldn’t feel left out’/‘wouldn’t be tempted’ by things like red meat and whole milk. I don’t think I will ever forgive her for this as it left me severely malnourished (~16 BMI) up until I started working and buying food for myself. I’m now much healthier after four or so years of controlling my diet (~21 BMI) but I am still extremely lean and much weaker than I should be, with my appetite being so little I’ll sometimes miss meals even with 20mg of daily Ibutamoren. On the topic of malnourishment, whenever I would bring up that I needed more protein or that I was hungry for something with actual substance, she would dismiss me and say I just needed to eat more (extremely low calorie) vegetables like Spinach (10 cal per handful) or to just eat a Banana (100 ish cal of sugar). My puberty was probably significantly stunted but I haven’t ever been tested for low T. If I got diagnosed with that I’d probably kill myself tbh. Or maybe I’d go on legal Tren and just blast my testes away! IDK.
Dulling the Edge
I wanted blumpf to win, and when he did, I was hoping he would enact TND and free me as soon as possible. That never happened, and in fact, our Country’s racial situation deteriorated further (though I wouldn’t witness these effects for myself so far north). Both my parents voted for Hillary, and my celebration of the Orange Man’s victory got me sent to my room without dinner.
I’d say this extremely adversarial relationship with my parents who were COEXIST toting vote blue no matter who-ing Milquetoast democrats turned me off from anything left-of-center, and the exposure to golden-era iPolitics definitely thrust me way into the farthest corners of the right, but with an extremely limited and monitored access to the internet throughout middle school and early high school should have dragged me considerably back in-line with societal expectations. Maybe I would have been socialized all the way over to the left in order to fit in at school or home, or maybe I would have become the neutered conservative ‘at least I’m not racist please don’t hate me I swear I’m not racist’ type that plagued late 2010s politics (and still somewhat have a hold today, judging by the RNC!) out of fear and cowardice or something. Either way, I did not. I held on to my White Identity, something that had been brewing for as long as I’d lived, and I could NEVER stop noticing.
I would be watching CNN or NBC call for mass imprisonment and even death for the Unite the Right protestors but call for amnesty and mercy on any Vulnerable Minority of the Month, as well as the then-budding Antifascist Action and the Black Panthers movement. I’d only ever see White criminals broadcast on local television while I’d see Black shootouts or arrests on the daily! Where were they on TV? This blatant hypocrisy was only noticeable because I was still attached to reality, unlike my parents who worked in 99% White Financial/Business sectors - with their only interaction with a Black man being a significantly acculturated bellhop or clerk or something speaking in perfect White Vernacular English. Anyways, back to noticing - I noticed Orthodox Jews (there was a robust synagogue very close to my High School) picking up coins off the ground and being overall just slimy goy-hating Orthodox Jews. I would notice White teachers praise and worship Black achievements no matter how small while downplay literally every single White ‘Great Figure’ (describing them all as products of social trends, generally unimportant really, and either cartoonishly evil and needing to be resisted even today or an arbiter of social justice who would suck BBC if they were alive today). I would notice the loudness and tendency to violence of the few black youth at my school, and I would notice their extremely preferential treatment by school staff. I would notice the general passivity and shy-ness of Asian men, made even starker when cast against loud hyper-masculine she-boons who would often taunt and demean anyone with lighter skin.
Throughout all this time, pretty much all of my other ‘edgy’ traits smoothed out. Gone was my interest in offensives, saying slurs for the sake of it (fr*cking matured), gore, bona-fide fluffy abuse (@stuartdrippin), Q will save the yte race, and really anything else you can associate to the golden era of iPolitics and Offensives. The only thing I retained, the only thing that even grew stronger, was my Identity as a White Man in a world increasingly hostile to White Men.
Around the 10th grade I read 1984, and secured myself an underground copy of Siege. Things started to make a LOT more sense to me, and I got really good at biting my tongue and acting Libtarded to avoid scrutiny. I became a little paranoid that I was on a ‘watchlist’ at this time, which was probably true and probably at my own Parents’ request, looking back on what would happen later (I’ll get to that).
Additionally, I was finding ways to dose myself with iFunny via Berlin Airdrop-esque ways. I scrounged up cash by any means, which often resorted in me selling stuff out of my own bedroom, to afford the cheapest possible android phone with no cell plan. I would make my iFunny account around 2017 and fell into the iAnime group for all of about two months before getting whisked back up into iPolitics. At this time I was mainly repubbing and making somewhat infrequent textposts, with my main form of interaction being commenting. I suppose I’ve got about 10-30x more likes accumulated on my comments versus my posts, which is crazy. I would grind TC on multiple features from the same set back when they dropped in groups of 10 or 20 every hour. I would also curate my sub feed, finding myself in the Zaoist/VoxPopuli/45Automatic/Pistol (Bandit)/Saboteur and the others of that era. Almost got groomed by Old Vox (pre acct sale) btw, dude had me send him a picture of my midriff at like 14 or something before I really realized why he’d asked for it. Anyways, kinda wish we killed that guy now that I think about it. My first account died in the 2020 Tazocaust, and I ended up rebranding from sum anime pfp dogeposter to FasciRTS, who you all know and love today.
High School & Run-in With the Authorities
High School was relatively unremarkable, primarily because during Freshman year we got hit with Covid and everyone became stuck in their own Ivory Towers, like me! There I found it harder and harder to hide my wrongthink from my parents, which led to another big clash. However, I soon started working and driving for myself which eased my dependence on my parents and thus their power over me quite a bit. I bought myself a computer at 16, a proper iPhone at 17, and had spending money to spare. I would spend almost all that leftover money on food (2-3 meals outside the home a day) which helped me gain a bit of necessary weight, and I would pretty much ride every paycheck down to zero.
I found myself a girlfriend in the 9th grade which lasted up until the beginning of 11th grade where we fell out, feeling was unfortunately mutual. Thankfully nothing crazy happened during the breakup, which I can’t say about the next girl I dated. About two months in to our relationship (this is about like May of Jr Year) I found out from a friend that she was in fact also dating another kid at a different high school. Both of us had been in the dark about the other’s existence, btw. It was to the point where I would be with her on Saturday and he would be with her on Sunday, and neither of her parents even once gave either of us a tipoff. Anyways, it was like 2 am on a Tuesday morning when I found this out (through a mutual friend with her other boyfriend) and I had changed my bio, perhaps immaturely, to a #RIPBOZO #[Name]WATCH which was the other guy’s name. At about 4pm that very same day a Police Officer was at my house asking for me. What. Apparently, one of my irl ‘friends’ had seen my Bio update (Private profile, only ever normieposted btw), reported me in to the school that I was a SCHOOL SHOOTER threat, and the school immediately went to the police to do a kind check-up. My family has never at any point owned a firearm btw. I had never publicly advocated for violence against anyone, individual or group, before btw. I had never been in any altercations or would have anything suggesting violent tendencies before btw.
Fourteen hours, that’s all it took for a private bio update to lead to an officer insisting to enter my home to search for a weapon.
Anyways, with the context of the Trump Assassination attempt the other day, I find it so strange that the Jannie State worked SO well identifying me as some sort of dissident and sending an officer to pre-emptively search my home just on the off chance that my bio had some sort of cryptic foreshadowing of extreme violence; while simultaneously being completely unable to identify or prevent someone who was shouting to ‘slash republican throats’ at a trump rally 3 days before making the first Presidential assassination attempt since Reagan! Anyways, woe is me and such.
I got left off with a warning and since I was underage at the time it (allegedly) never went on my permanent record. I was suspended from school for the next three days though, and rumors went wild. I think this permanently tarnished my reputation amongst the other normies of that school too, which is crazy.
France
I ended up taking summer college and graduating early, so I never returned after that incident - probably not helping stay the rumors. I spent what would have been my Senior Year studying abroad in France, where I was witness to the Nahel protests (France’s version of George Floyd in 2023), and got in a street fight with an Arab who ended up breaking my nose again (I broke it once on accident in 2022). Thankfully there were some Groupe Union Défense counterprotestors nearby who pummeled that dude for me, he had like 40 pounds of muscle on me and I was definitely not winning that fight. Speaking of GUD, they are a French militant youth movement who basically counterprotest any of the Arab chimpouts and are overall great people. They got me to a hospital where I rode out the rest of that summer. Awesome stuff!
Anyways I tested B2 in French which is pretty close to Fluent and also the minimum required skill to repatriate, still working on refining my language to be more instantaneous and local (have to think about what I say a bit especially when it comes to long sentences). The GUD people were quite happy to learn I was considering repatriation and I got in their TG group (which got seized by the Gov a few weeks ago, smh). I went home shortly after the protests died down in early July, and had a few weeks to get used to America again before heading off to College proper.
Funny story actually, I had a layover in Philadelphia on my way home and almost lost my lunch (which I ate in Lisbon) to the absolutely revolting smell that was a Cinnabon shop directly outside the gate I landed at. So much artificial sugar and slop made me genuinely nauseous and I keeled over a trash can for a few minutes. An Airport employee asked if I was okay, which was a nice touch. Then my layover flight got cancelled and I had to stay the night at a random hotel in the middle of bumfuck nowhere (had to pay for the Uber there and back btw) and the food stipend they gave me was not nearly enough to cover an actual meal at the airport. Gotta love America, mayne!
Anyways, College was boring but I found it a lot easier to socialize and integrate this time around compared to my HS years but I had a falling-out with a group of people I was pretty close with pretty early once two of them revealed themselves to be Jewish and also ‘Marxists’ (as much as pseud cali kids can be, at least) - and once I stopped wanting to do things with them I kinda just fell out of the group. Oh well! Anyways this time around I also picked up Boxing as a sport to try and make sure that embarrassment in France would never repeat itself again. Those guys were pretty chill but didn’t really do much outside the practice itself which is kinda lame since most of the serious sports teams also had like frat-esque houses that we’d chill at. IDK maybe they do and they just don’t tell the frosh for some reason. Doubt it tho!
P.S. just read Groupe Union Défense got dissolved by the Government like two days before the the European Parliamentary Elections wtf I mean that explains what happened to their tg but man wtf mang
The ‘Stack
College is also where I found Substack as it gave me a place to publish some of the essays I was writing for classes anyways, and it also gave me some motivation to explore & improve my writing as well. Especially after iFunny’s implosion I’ve been writing more and more complex & long essays, stay tuned for what is already a 6,000 word piece on ‘if I was in charge’, where I try and flesh out how if I was democratically elected to the Presidency how I’d go about resolving unemployment, with a second part discussing how I’d do it if I had absolute authority for some strange bizarre reason that was achieved completely peacefully and within legal means and has zero implication that I would actually attempt such a thing in the real world btw. Pure thought experiment.
I was thinking of trying my hand at public speaking, buy the way. Does anyone know any spots in NorCal or Western WA where I can read my essays aloud to a RW audience? I think I could do a lot of good, and judging by the comments a lot of you give I could probably tune a lot of otherwise normie or minimally-radicalized people ‘in’ to the greater RW and dissenting sphere. Even if I get booed by a bunch of neocons I think I could at least plant some seeds in a few. I’ve done what I can to turn two of my neocon friends at College into somewhat more aware of at least some of the anti-white rhetoric espoused by the (far) Left. Also I’ve managed to redpill a few on the population crisis which should be a good gateway into le Grand Remplacement & such. That might be another essay I write soon, especially after Layne (I think)’s essay on not wasting my breath preaching to the choir - Replacement is something still contentious even on the Right, and getting people already sympathetic to ideas like depopulation and declining birth rates tuned in to the (extremely obvious, admittedly) fact that it’s really favorable for a wide range of special interest groups to import the 3rd world might make some real difference. If you know of any venues where I could do this please do let me know!
Addendum
As of Yesterday my Dad threatened to cut me out of the will over yet another ideological clash over Blumpf’s assassination of all things (he unironically believes the tankie conspiracy that Blumpf staged the shooting and becomes FURIOUS when I question some of the headlines he’s reading). I think I’m going to abandon any attempt to save them both ideologically and physically should a chimpout happen soon. However, this did wake me up to the absolute necessity of finding some irl WN contacts and growing my network in case they do end up embracing Zog over Blood and cut me off completely. Please DM me of any active groups (not PF) in the West WA or NorCal region that could use a video editor/columnist and would be willing/able to extend a hand should the worst happen. Also let me know about any local gyms in either region that are sympathetic/owned by a WN so I can support them with my money! The commercial gym I go to is both ridiculously expensive and also packed all the time so I find unless I go at like 10am on a weekday (all the wagies are at work) or like 5am on a weekend I’m waiting in a 3man queue just to use a bench. Need to change that asap. Oh also a tattoo place I’m gonna try and get ‘Me Ne Frego’ tattooed right below my collarbone and my blood type under my right armpit (iykyk). Nothing too crazy yet, I have a job and such to maintain.
Alright I think that’s all. If you’re new here, give me a sublican and perhaps even a republican! Viva la iFunny!
Dang, your parents treated you worse than I could have imagined. It's disgusting when people don't respect a child's intelligence, especially when it is the parents.
Tough read. It’s always interesting to see how people come to adopt a worldview that is, in the current system, quite isolating. it seems like you were ostracized just for existing, so you might as well have become a National Socialist. In for a penny, in for a pound or something.
The boob break could use some better placement btw, and more boobs.